A few years ago, you couldn't have found a person more in love with living alone than me! As an introvert, I loved the fact that home was a safe haven; safe from social interaction (not that I don't enjoy it, but I need an escape) , certainty that everything was in its rightful place, and somewhere I could unwind and decompress at the end of the day... and mentally prepare at the beginning of the day, for that matter.
When my girlfriend K. and I moved in together in September, my biggest worry was that I'd be lacking alone time. I worried that home - although I knew it would still be a safe haven - would no longer offer enough solitude or time and space for decompression.
But what I realized is - and I'd like to assume this is the reality of a great relationship - time with K. feels like alone time. It's relaxing, rejuvenating, energizing... sometimes quiet and peaceful... and it always brings me to that place where I feel most balanced and capable. That's a testament to K. and to our relationship. Either way, the alone time I get randomly here and there, or during the work day, in combination with time spent with K., suffices well.
So what made me talk about this now? Well, K. left on Sunday (today is Tuesday) for a 39-day (who's counting?) stint in St. John's, Newfoundland. We haven't been away from each other for 2 or maybe 3 nights since we moved in together, and the void she's left is palpable. I get to join her in 17 sleeps, I'll spend 9 nights with her, and then in another 10 days she's back at our home. SO... it's not horrible, but like I said, it's palpable.
I miss her a lot, and I'm not delighted to have all this alone time because I've been getting along just fine without it, BUT... it's amazing how my living alone behaviour looks now that I have a little perspective.
For example, when I came home from the airport on Sunday after dropping K. off, I immediately took out a pad of paper and a pen and started writing a to do list. Random stuff, like "Watch Apollo 13". Yeah... it's weird, but I used to do that all the time. As I always say, when I have nothing planned, it's because I've planned to do nothing. I like to have control over my routine and schedule and I feel reassured when I'm able to complete things and move through my day with a sense of accomplishment, even if it's by crossing out "Shower" on my to do list.
But it's not something I do now that I live with K. I do it when a day is full of activity, or of course I use to do lists at work, but not for personal stuff. But suddenly K. is gone and I feel the need to steady myself with a to do list.
I also went to bed really early on Sunday night. It's like I had to just close the book on that day and sleep until a new one came along... bringing me closer to seeing K. I used to go to bed really early back when I lived alone in Port Hope. Like, really early. 8:30 was not an unusual bedtime for me. K. and I are medium-to-bed, medium-to-rise... 11:00 pm ish to 7:30 am ish. I went to bed at 9:00 pm on Sunday night, just trying to will the time away. With K. my life is full and exciting and we try to get to bed at a decent hour, but we always have each other's company. Alone, I felt the need to just get the day over with (especially since I had accomplished what I'd set out to do).
It might sound depressing, but it's not! I'm just introspecting and I'm fascinated by how quickly we slip into old patterns of behavior. It seemed normal in Port Hope, but it doesn't any longer. So yesterday I got outside, spent time with my parents and then my sister, came home and read for a while, had a beer, got myself ready for the work day, and went to bed at 11:00 with a clear head and my cat Spoon snuggled close by.
I will survive!
Currently reading... Squirrel Seeks Chipmunk by David Sedaris
Posts to come... My thoughts on Onward, Howard Schultz's story of Starbucks, and then another post on CAA and how great their service is
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