Validation

Last weekend I was in my bedroom folding laundry that was hot out of the dryer.  I picked up a pair of fuzzy, purple socks that belong to my girlfriend K, who I live with.  I went out into the main room where she was sitting on the couch on her computer.  I saw that she wasn't wearing socks, so I went over to her and, seeing the socks, she stuck out her feet and I put the socks on her feet.  As she realized that they were still warm, her face completely lit up and she was so excited.  I'm not kidding, she looked like a kid on Christmas day.

It filled my heart with joy.  I'm so lucky to live with and love a woman who finds joy in and doesn't take for granted the simple things in life.  Socks right out of the dryer are only one example; when I make her tea, bring home a random treat, make dinner, etc., etc., she always reacts like it's the most special thing, and so I feel that it's special, too... and that I'm special.

Or, the other morning, I came in to wake her up and her eyes opened and she immediately smiled at me with this incredibly loving smile.

I saw something on one of Oprah's shows once... I can't remember who was talking; it might've been Toni Morrison.  Anyway, the show was about validation, I think.  Whoever it was that was talking said that she made a special effort to always have her face light up when her kids walked into the room.  Rather than briefly look up from whatever she was doing, or - worse! - not look at all, she would look at them, and smile!  Oprah spoke about how amazing these children were and how much of an effect this special gesture made.

That's how I feel about K; that she regularly validates me, makes me feel loved and special.

It's simple, but maybe that's what makes it so great.  Simple or not, it has a significant effect, and I feel grateful to experience that.

How Oprah helped me "get" Lady Gaga

I can't believe how rarely I've been posting on Sugar & Gravy.  I don't have an excuse or explanation.  I try to pause at moments like this and think, "Has S & G run its course?"  The answer for now is, "Not yet".  So here is a long overdue entry.  I'll try to update more frequently moving forward.


~~~


I have tried to write this post in particular a number of times but keep getting distracted, writer's block, or just forget.  No more.  I will write this post... today.

As I've said before, I wasn't a big fan of Lady Gaga.  I probably said on occasion, "I hate Lady Gaga".  I realize now that "hate" was too strong a word, and furthermore, I didn't hate Lady Gaga, I hated the hype.  I hated hearing about her latest dramatic, artsy, controversial, or one-of-a-kind performance.  I hated hearing people talk about how unique she is, how crazy her style is, and how great her music is.  What's so special about Lady Gaga?  I mean, I find her songs pretty catchy and her style can be pretty fierce, but... why the hype?  I guess more than hating Gaga or hating the hype or hating the fans, I just didn't get Lady Gaga.


When I saw that Oprah was doing an episode of her show "Oprah's Next Chapter" with Lady Gaga, I realized this is it.  If I'm ever going to *get*, appreciate, and/or like Lady Gaga, this is how it's going to happen.  Oprah has an uncanny ability to open my eyes and heart to someone/something, and so if she can't do it for Lady Gaga and I then no one can.


Turns out - unsurprisingly - she could.


If I remember correctly, the episode started with footage of the launch of Gaga's Born This Way Foundation, which was held at Harvard University with Oprah co-hosting.  I'm often skeptical of celebrities and their causes; I can't always tell what's genuine and what's just for publicity.  However, with Oprah on board, I knew it was legit.  Also, hearing Lady Gaga speak about her cause, her mission, and how strongly she cared about it... well let's just say my heart was opening up to her.


After that, Oprah visited Gaga and her mother at their NYC apartment, where Gaga still lives. Lady Gaga seemed herself - no crazy outfit, no crazy make-up, no crazy wig.  She looked beautiful: clean, simple, and comfortable.  As always, Oprah and her interviewee spoke candidly; you got a real sense of who Lady Gaga is.  I was reminded that she's close to my age - just a year and two months (exactly) older.  She was very smart and confident, thoughtful and well-spoken.  It was a great interview, about the fame and how her life has changed, how she grew up and who she is now.  Oprah also spoke at length with her mother, and they both just seemed so down-to-earth, and... real.  Authentic.  Genuine.


The biggest moment came when Oprah made a comment along the lines of her passing the torch to Lady Gaga.  This is extremely significant, I thought, because Oprah is saying that Lady Gaga is more than a singer/songwriter/performer.  She's a world figure, a leader, capable of real change and impact.  That's what really opened my eyes.


Finally, when Oprah asked Lady Gaga's mother what she wanted the world to take out of this interview, Mrs. Germanotta said: "I want people to get my daughter."  When I heard her say it, I knew I did in fact now get Lady Gaga.

Port Hope & small town living

Almost two years ago now, when deciding between a job offer and the potential of another, I made a list of pros and cons.  The biggest con?  Moving to Port Hope, Ontario.

Now this con had many associated cons: loneliness, isolation, nothing to do, no friends, etc.  However, the job itself had countless pros.  I sought advice from my parents, friends, and colleagues - past & present.  Finally one night - while drinking a glass of wine and eating olives and brie (I thought acting sophisticated might assist me in a grown-up decision) - I decided I would do it.  I would take the great job and move to Port Hope.

So, as of now I have lived in "PH" for 21 months, with 3 remaining until I make the move to what PH locals call "The Big Smoke" (Toronto).  The cons I considered in my decision process turned out to be true, especially in my first 6-12 months living there.  I was desperately lonely.  I was bored, I felt isolated, and while I was actually 23 at the time, I felt I must be 50+ because why else would I be in Port Hope?  (I'm being intentionally facetious, by the way).

My days were the same... wake up, walk to work, work, walk home, make dinner, eat, watch TV, go to bed, rinse, repeat.  The exciting days were when I needed to go to Metro for groceries or Shoppers for toiletries.  I only went anywhere I could walk to.

By the way, I'm not trying to make anyone feel sorry for me.  In fact, I'm sort of chuckling to myself thinking about how down I was back then...

On weekends, I would hop on the VIA after work and head to TO for a taste of the good life - friends, family, and things to do!  That's how I lived, day in and day out, and I still do, really, except for one important difference.

Within the first 6 months of living in PH I realized something significant - I wanted to drive.  I felt especially isolated because all I could rely on were my own two feet and the something-to-be-desired Port Hope VIA schedule.  In the winter I began to feel completely pathetic.  Why did I not know how to drive?  (If you want to know the answer and the detailed story, click here).  Every day I'd walk to work and stare at all the moving cars longingly.  Eventually I'd had enough; in early 2011 I started driving lessons and by the end of June I had my G2 and a car (HUBBLE!).

THAT is what I am most grateful to Port Hope for.  Seriously.  If I stayed in Waterloo or moved to Toronto in 2010, I can't tell you when I would've gotten my license.  PH made me feel an urgency to get it.  Once I got it and bought Hubble I could pick up and leave whenever I wanted.  I could drive to Cobourg for... whatever!  I could buy more groceries than I could carry.  It felt great!  It still does, and therefore I am grateful to PH.  It also made living alone in Port Hope more tolerable.  It really made a difference.

Also, something else that made PH tolerable, which happened early on was this: not being in school.  I remember one day after work, when my last online course was wrapped up, I came home, sat on the couch, and turned on the TV.  A few minutes later I realized that I hadn't been thinking.  It was as if my mind was floating above my body.  I was truly relaxing.  When I was in school, I wasn't the hardest working student in the class, but even still - school was always on my mind: the next project, the late essay, the upcoming exam... it was totally constant and unrelenting, so the feeling of leaving the office at 5:00 and being truly "done for the day"?  That was priceless.

That brings me to another thing - cable.  Oh my God, cable, you delicious luxury.  I had cable 3/5 of my years in Waterloo, but I didn't watch it a tonne, really.  However, with nothing to do and a job to pay for it with, I thought - might as well.  I've watched more TV in the past 21 months than maybe my whole life.  My favourite channel?  Probably OWN (the Oprah Winfrey Network).  I watch "Hoarders" on A&E, "Lifeclass" on OWN, and "Til Debt Do Us Part" on Slice.  I watch it all, and I love it.  I am grateful for cable.

There's also the alone time.  I often joke that I've gotten enough alone time while living in PH to last the rest of my life.  It's as if I've stock-piled it and now I'm all set.  It's been great though: quiet mornings with coffee and a book, reading before bed, cooking up a storm and having all the leftovers I could want, and of course, watching enough TV to rot my brain.  It surprises some people to know it, but I am an introvert through and through (MBTI = INFJ), and so the alone time has been very welcome.  In fact, I've loved it!  I'll always need alone time, but I'm okay with cutting down a bit...

Before I moved to PH, or maybe it was in those early days of living there, I considered (and discussed with family and friends) the benefits of living in PH.  Specifically, the financial benefits of living there while having my first real job.  For example, the costs of living are low: rent is low, gas is cheaper than TO, and most importantly, there's nothing to do and therefore nothing to spend money on.  My bank statements for weekdays alternate between Metro and Shoppers.  Exciting?  No.  Beneficial?  Yes.  More than low expenses though, it's been great to "become a grown-up", so to speak, in such a low-pressure environment.  I actually read my bills and speak to bank tellers, I've developed an understanding of my personal finances and have learned to be responsible.  It's been great and necessary to start me on my way.

That said, my desire for excitement has revealed that I'm willing to pay a premium for city living.

Which brings me to my last point... the greatest thing I've learned while living in Port Hope is that I'm not cut out for small town living.  It's like taking a course in uni and knowing you shouldn't major in the subject.  You could say the course was a waste of time or you could say that you learned something valuable... about what you don't want.  That's (just as) important.  That's how I feel about Port Hope.  I learned something valuable.  I learned that I need people and diversity, options and bustle, excitement and many restaurants.  I need them bright lights, long nights...

So there that is.  I've still got 3 months to go, so this may be premature, but i wanted the chance to reflect on my valuable experience in PH and to simultaneously get excited about my upcoming move and entering perhaps the next chapter of my life.

Posts to come -- how Oprah made me "get" Lady Gaga.

Happy St. P's & 2 films to see

Happy St. Patrick's Day, readers!  I hope you're out celebrating your Irish heritage or at least pretending to be Irish for the day.  Whether it's enjoying a green beer, fryin' up some spuds, or wearing a ridiculous shirt that says, "Kiss me, I'm Irish!", I appreciate your support of my heritage today.

Personally I celebrated today by finishing Frank McCourt's memoir, Angela's Ashes.  10 weeks into 2012 and 3 books down.  Only 17 more to go! ...Anyway, on to the point of this post...

As I mentioned in my last post, I recently saw two films that I think are really important:

1. Almost a year ago I saw that a documentary called "Miss Representation" was playing on the Oprah Winfrey Network (OWN).  I was at my parents' house at the time so I PVRed it and then forgot about it.  Recently I was flipping through their PVRed shows and saw it there.  I was relaxing with my Saturday morning coffee, so I thought, why not?!  I spent the next two hours watching a documentary that really shook me.  In the simplest terms, the film is about the negative portrayal of women in the media and how that leads to a shortage of women in the government and other high-powered positions in the corporate world.
   
   A barometer for my world is my Facebook news feed.  I was an active volunteer in university in the LGBTQ community and as a result crossed paths with queer activists, feminists, and the like.  Now, my news feed is in large part made up of videos, articles, and personal statements about issues of homophobia, sexism, misogyny, etc.
   
   I am wholeheartedly against these things.  However, when they are the bulk of what I see on Facebook, I have become very desensitized and find myself with compassion fatigue.  So, I stop thinking about the problems and how they impact me and those around me.  When I sat down and watched "Miss Representation", it was like a smack in the face -- these are real issues!  There is a real problem!  I watched esteemed women like Condoleezza Rice, Lisa Ling, Rachel Maddow, and Gloria Steinem talk about this real issue, and I felt overcome with an urge to weep for women everywhere.  I know this sounds dramatic, but it felt dramatic!  I felt like I had totally forgotten that these are real problems affecting me and every female in my life and the world.  It was a wake-up call.  It was a very powerful & important film, and I strongly recommend it.
   
2. The day after I watched "Miss Representation", I went over to my sister's place for a delicious brunch and another engaging film.  She and I watched "We Were Here".  This doc is about the AIDS crisis in San Francisco in the 80s.  It really outlines the spread of the virus, both physically and also the social spread of information; from the early days hearing about the "gay cancer" to learning about potential meds to help those with AIDS.  The story of it all was told by artists prominent in the area at the time, individuals who had partners die of AIDS, and nurses who helped comfort patients in hospitals during their final days.  It was well-made, well-told, and emotional.  Another one I highly recommend.