Sum.

I have plans of making Eggs Benedict for myself for the first time tonight. It's a favourite in breakfast spots, but I've never made it at home before and I want to try. But before I go off to the kitchen to do that...

I had an amazing weekend ripping it in Toronto with my newest best buddy; let's call her K.E.S.P. Today is the final day before I head back to work after a glorious holiday, so it was a delight to spend the weekend having fun with a friend and indulging in a number of pleasures. I got back to Waterloo around 1:30 ish and immediately cuddled with my kitty Spoon (I didn't take off my jacket or boots for at least 5 minutes... Spoonie deserved the attention). Then I felt like I needed a nap, so I climbed in bed and tried to sleep, but I couldn't. I tried to turn something on to watch that I'd hopefully fall asleep to, but it didn't happen. So, I figured I'd just lounge in bed, snuggling with Spoon, and watch something I actually want to watch. That's what brings me to the reason I wanted to post right now...

I Am.

K.E.S.P. watched this documentary recently and highly recommended it, so I was happy to take the time to watch it. It was fantastic!!! I won't bother summarizing it for you, I suggest you watch it yourself. There were so many amazing takeaways, but here's the fact that resonated most with me.

We are all connected. Everything we do has an impact.

I tend to get overwhelmed watching documentaries with big ideas like this one had. I get so wrapped up in the good ideas and want so desperately to implement them in my own life, but being overwhelmed, I often end up implementing nothing at all. So I'm going to take a "small" part of this idea and work to consider it as regularly as possible.

Consider the energy I'm putting out into the universe. 

I know the feeling of walking into a room and feeling an existing tension that you may not have the context for, but you can actually feel. My cat Spoon knows that feeling, too. When my GF K. and I have a big talk (also known as a fight) and we're sitting next to each other on the bed, crying, maybe speaking in loud voices, feeling intense emotions, etc., Spoon jumps up and sits in between us (an example of another message in the movie: that all living things are the same).

The energy that I put out there matters. Big changes happen because of individuals' consciousness spreading enough to translate into critical mass and action. But even if big change isn't my goal, everything I do has an impact, great or small. Do I put enough thought into what I do? Do I consider the impact of my words, actions, and even thoughts and emotions? I think I could stand to be more conscious of those things. And it's not about being hard on myself, or critical, or changing everything I do and everything I am. Increased consciousness is small but mighty, and I'm conscious that I could be more conscious.

Now... onto Eggs Benedict!

Eight Words

DON’T WORRY. JUST BE. LET GO. MOVE FORWARD. 

I can't believe I haven't posted in two months. Life has been crazy, but even still, I usually make time to blog. Looking back though, not only has it been busy, but it's also been somewhat tumultuous emotionally. At the risk of sounding dramatic, I've been having a crisis of spirit, and as of late things have been coming to a head. 

But I'm feeling the shift. I'm feeling the ship slowly but surely changing course. In that spirit, I sat down tonight and wrote a very brief blurb on what I've been feeling and - even more importantly - where I feel I should be going now. I noticed some patterns in what I was writing and as a result of that, I decided to paste the blurb onto a website and create a word cloud with what I'd written. A little over ten words stood out in the cloud (meaning they'd appeared in my blurb a number of times), and then after stringing those words together, I condensed it a little further into eight words. 

DON'T WORRY. JUST BE. LET GO. MOVE FORWARD. 

I have a habit of over-analyzing; it's all good. It's who I am and it's gotten me so far. However, it can become too much. I feel the need to analyze my life and my self, make some conclusions, document it, and then - and only then - move forward. This personal process is ironic given some things that have been frustrating me lately, so I just needed to take some time to sit down and feel it a little bit. I don't want to analyze, speculate, make a certain decision about it all, and then boldly go forward. No!

I just want to live. I don't want to worry. I just want to be. I want to let go of the things I cannot change. I want to keep going. 

That's it. 

I am enough.

Right now I am sitting on a chair on my patio outside in a t-shirt, breathing in beautiful fresh air, and catching up on things on my relatively new MacBook. I just finished a cup of coffee and have spent the day up until now doing a variety of enjoyable and productive tasks. I did six (!) loads of laundry including all of our sheets and towels. I made a roasted red pepper and sweet potato soup, which K. and I enjoyed for lunch, and there are still two portions saved for a lunch this week. Roasting the vegetables made the whole apartment smell like fall and it was just so lovely, never mind delicious. To quote one of my favourite people - not that she was the first to say this: "My cup floweth over".

But I'm not writing today to once again share the details of how I'm spending a delightful weekend day (though I've kind of already done that). I'm writing to share a concept that I'm predicting is going to be pretty life-changing for me.

I am enough.

What a concept! I am hard-wired to aim for more. My parents instilled it in me, and this drive is what has given me the success I've already been fortunate enough to experience so far in my life. This is an innate part of me that I can't do anything about, and I'm glad for that. But sometimes it's not a motivating drive, but more of a discouraging one. I'll be sitting and thinking about something and suddenly become overwhelmed by all that I'm not but should be doing. I think, I should stop ever visiting Facebook while at work. I shouldn't watch so much TV but should spend my evenings being productive at home, doing work for the committees I'm on, or doing stuff around the apartment. I'm always doing well, and I recognize that part, but I'm always thinking about what else I can do.

Again, this isn't a bad thing, but as much as I'm hard-wired to aim for more, I think I'm also hard-wired to do more. I don't think it's something I need to dedicate so much thought or worry to. I think I'll continue to go where I want to go and be who I want to be without worrying, so why worry?!

~~
I met with a friend recently: Kasia. Kasia and I have known each other for maybe six years now, but we've never quite clicked. We have had some really fun times together with our mutual friends, but one-to-one there's been something blocking us. When we met recently, there was no blockage. She's a very powerful and wise woman, that Kasia. We sat and suddenly everything was spilling out of me including my need to aim for and achieve more forever and always. That's when she said, why not make this your new mantra:

I am enough. 

It's so simple, and could've easily been disregarded, but in the week and a half or so since I saw Kasia, it has been there like a second pulse. I'll start to get myself in a tizzy about doing more and I'll hear the phrase or even say it out loud. During my daily lunches with my work bestie, I'll find myself talking about all that I should be doing, and then I'll catch myself. No.

I am enough.
~~

I had a few big break-throughs at work in the past few weeks; I finished a big program plan, and made some significant progress in the way I'm approaching my work, and I feel a big part of that is due to my new mantra. Once you accept that you're enough, you realize you really do have everything you need. It's not about losing the drive, it's about accepting that it's already there, and there's no need to worry. I'm excited to see the doors it opens for me.

Energy

Once again I'm having an absolutely lovely Saturday. I woke up at 9:00, took my sweet time getting out of bed, and then requested over an hour of silence in the apartment so that I could drink my coffee and read my book club book in peace. My beautiful girlfriend obliged, and it was honestly like a gift. I feel like a million bucks having had that precious time this morning... and I finished my book: Annabel by Kathleen Winter. It's for a new book club I joined and it was incredible.

My inspiration for this post isn't another lovely weekend day though, it's energy. Deep, I know.

I think of a lot of things in terms of energy... "God", for example. When I feel most spiritual and connected to some higher power, it's because I feel the energies of the universe colliding and leading me towards something that - if I open myself up to it - I'm destined to be part of. It's like that feeling of all the stars aligning for something special; those energies working together for something bigger is what I see as God.

I also think of energy and where we get it or lose it. As an introvert, I see myself as gaining energy from peaceful, quiet, and calm time; usually alone, with my girlfriend K., or a close friend. I expend my energy in the opposite situations, where life is busy, full of people and activity. I can handle both kinds of situations, but it just changes my energy; whether I emerge fuelled or exhausted.

Yesterday I was talking to a friend about situations in which you can be a doormat or more aggressive; receiving bad customer service, for example. She was saying that her boyfriend will always speak up in those types of situations; make sure he is heard and that the situation is addressed in some way. Some might see him as an asshole, but she always feels like she is never taken advantage of, and I so appreciate that notion. I hate bad customer service, but will rarely speak up, and if I do, it's not in a very aggressive way. I don't like to think of myself as a doormat though. I see it as where you're willing to spend your energy and where you aren't. There are limits, sure, and there are times where you must speak up... and perhaps situations where you really shouldn't. For me, speaking up - in these situations - often means expending my energy in a way that makes me feel really unsatisfied when it's all over. I don't feel better. So if expending my energy makes me feel worse, then why would I be motivated to act? In my friend's boyfriend's case, he can't not speak up in those situations. He would feel unsatisfied if he didn't, so it makes sense for him and not for me.

Like I said, there are limits, but it helps to consider that we don't have to be separated into doormats and aggressors. If we know ourselves, we just act according to what makes us feel best and that our energy is used wisely.